Sometimes I Pee A Little When I Jump Rope {And Other Indignities}

The first few weeks, and maybe even months, of Walden's life took about 87 years.  I was lost, didn't know what I was doing and every moment was a fight to keep myself from jumping in my trusty Delorean and blazing a trail back to 1985, when all I had to do was sit in an empty refrigerator box, eat raw turnips and watch The Little Prince through the hole my mom had cut.  Simpler times. 

But then somewhere along the line, someone hit the fast forward button, because I swear it's only been about 2 weeks since I last blogged...and yet, the date on my last post says September 9, 2011.  What happened?  I think maybe I started having a little fun with this crazy thing called motherhood?  Maybe? I mean, I still don't really know what I'm doing and I still dream about taking trips backward in my Delorean, although maybe the date sometimes changes and maybe sometimes I take a gander at 1992 in order to fully appreciate the fact that I no longer have bangs that start at the back of my head and burst forth in what I like to call "the hyperactive chicken" but YES, for the most part I've been having fun and, you know, time flies and all that.  That and...I'm still doing that thing where you sleep when the baby sleeps, and it is very hard to blog when you are napping. 

Speaking of going back in time, I am headed to my Almost 15th High School Reunion in a couple of weeks.  Remember when I mentioned that thing about having chicken hair?  Well, most of the people who will be at this reunion were present during that darling little stage of my life.  If they weren't, then they were almost certainly around for my "white-t-shirt-tucked-into-mom-jeans and Birkenstock" phase and if they weren't around for that then maybe they'll remember that time I dressed like a nun and sang in front of the entire student body which, of course, was during my "pageant" phase.  And just how I am supposed to show my face to these people again?  Well, obviously, Jamie - you're probably thinking - OBVIOUSLY you are not that person anymore.  Obviously, they will see that the awkward specimen you once were has now morphed into the beautiful, not-awkward butterfly you are now, the epitome of grace, style and sophistication.  That is obviously what you are thinking.  Well, you would be right if this were 2009.  In 2009, I was all of those butterfly things.  I was.  I promise. 

But in 2010, I became a mom. 

Most new moms, at least in the first several weeks, go through somewhat of an awkward stage - wonky belly, losing hair, smelling like an onion, that kind of thing.  (If a new mom isn't at least a little bit awkward, it's perfectly acceptable to hate her guts and then spread one or two mildly offensive rumors about her.)  I went through this stage after having Walden, and when it was over, I thought, "Oh, whew.  Glad that's over.  Now I can go on with my bad self." 

But I'll be damned if I haven't blossomed in other awkward ways.  Like, for example, sometimes when I'm at the gym and I'm jumping rope, lo and behold I wet myself a little because apparently I'm 92 years old.  And then the way I comfort myself afterward is to tell myself, "Oh well, maybe they'll just think it's crotch sweat."  

Or when I'm in a conversation with a group of other preschool moms and they're all cute, saying things like, "I mean the glitter in these art projects!  It just gets everywhere!  I find glitter in my hair all the time!" and they laugh and toss their pretty, glittery hair and I'm just standing there like...

 ...sputtering stuff like, "I LIKE SHINIES."  Because someone stole my brain.

THIS IS WHAT IT'S COME TO.  Incontinent, incompetent....awkward.  Physically.  Mentally. Socially.  Just awkward.  I'm bringing it back. 

Maybe I'll cut myself some of the ol' chicken bangs so no one at the reunion will notice what I've become. 

Lord have mercy.

...and to get that whole image out of your head, here's a better one...

what a difference a year makes.  first day of school. also, i put her dress on backwards.